Corporate Job Questionnaires
I've been applying to dozens of jobs, and many of them have fifty question or so long job questionnaires. They include such tough questions as "do you like to steal things?" and "do you like other people?" So I decided I wanted to start my own business with my own questionnaire. If you're interested in the job, you can take my questionnaire and send it back to me. Please be mindful that skipping a question will automatically disqualify you from the job. Information about the job will be available after signing the appropriate documents.
1) How much do you like to work?
a. Very much but I have a problem with lying
b. I do not like to work
c. Not at all, it makes me miserable
d. I do not work, even when employed
2) If you could steal anything from my store, what would it be?
a. A cake
b. A camera
c. A television
d. Empty boxes and paper weights
3) How many times a week do you engage in criminal activity, particularly theft?
a. 1-2 times a week
b. 3-6 times a week
c. 7-10 times a week
d. I'm so busy stealing I have no time for anything else
4) How would you describe your relationship with other people?
a. Uneasy
b. Involving mutual suspicion
c. Hateful
d. I do not relate to other people
5) Why should I hire you?
a. Because no one else wants to work for you. (Note: This is the wrong answer.)
b. I'll clean your house and wash your car daily for no charge
c. I'll pay you instead of you paying me. I will also shop for you.
d. Both (b) and (c).
6) State the political philosophy which most closely matches your own:
a. Communism
b. Fascism
c. Socialist totalitarianism
d. Theocracy
7) I keep on pinching you for no reason. What do you do?
a. Hit me
b. Ignore it and keep on working
8) Imagine I keep on calling your current manager and asking him to give me dirt on you. What would he or she do?
a. Say good things at first and then eventually give in and tell the truth
b. Say bad things about me immediately
9) Do you believe in trees?
a. Yes, I live in one.
b. No, they do not exist
10) What did you think of this survey?
a. It reminded me how terrible a worker I am
b. It was very entertaining and reminded me how terrible a worker I am
1) How much do you like to work?
a. Very much but I have a problem with lying
b. I do not like to work
c. Not at all, it makes me miserable
d. I do not work, even when employed
2) If you could steal anything from my store, what would it be?
a. A cake
b. A camera
c. A television
d. Empty boxes and paper weights
3) How many times a week do you engage in criminal activity, particularly theft?
a. 1-2 times a week
b. 3-6 times a week
c. 7-10 times a week
d. I'm so busy stealing I have no time for anything else
4) How would you describe your relationship with other people?
a. Uneasy
b. Involving mutual suspicion
c. Hateful
d. I do not relate to other people
5) Why should I hire you?
a. Because no one else wants to work for you. (Note: This is the wrong answer.)
b. I'll clean your house and wash your car daily for no charge
c. I'll pay you instead of you paying me. I will also shop for you.
d. Both (b) and (c).
6) State the political philosophy which most closely matches your own:
a. Communism
b. Fascism
c. Socialist totalitarianism
d. Theocracy
7) I keep on pinching you for no reason. What do you do?
a. Hit me
b. Ignore it and keep on working
8) Imagine I keep on calling your current manager and asking him to give me dirt on you. What would he or she do?
a. Say good things at first and then eventually give in and tell the truth
b. Say bad things about me immediately
9) Do you believe in trees?
a. Yes, I live in one.
b. No, they do not exist
10) What did you think of this survey?
a. It reminded me how terrible a worker I am
b. It was very entertaining and reminded me how terrible a worker I am
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